WHEN YOU HEAR THE VERY LOUD BANG ACCOMPANIED BY THE FLASH,
GO TO YOUR SHELTER IMMEDIATELY AND COVER THE VITAL PARTS WITH A
SLIGHTLY DAMPENED TEATOWEL.
STAY TUNED TO THE WORLD SERVICE OF THE BBC WHERE THERE WILL BE
FURTHER BULLETINS ON THE HOUR.
AND NOW, ROBERT ROBERTSON WITH "START THE WEEK".
THERE IS SOMETHING WE WOULD SERIOUSLY LIKE TO SAY, (Hear! Hear! Say it!)
TO OUR OLD COLONIAL COHORTS IN THE USA, (Are you listening, Yanks?)
WITH OUR LIGHTLY DAMPENED TEATOWELS ON OUR HEADS. (Not easy to say that, is it? Nay!)
....................PLAY IT CUTE, RON, TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE, RON.
LET'S GET OUT AND NUKE THOSE NAUSEATING ............................(they make me sick!)
AND WHEN YOU SHOOT, RON, LET'S MAKE IT NEUTRON BOMB. (Bomb, bomb, bomb, oh, how lovely!)
SO WE'LL HAVE SOMEWHERE TO LIVE WHEN WE'RE ALL DEAD. (Yes, we will)
............................................FALLOUT SHELTER
FOR THE AVERAGE FAMILY OF TWO ADULTS, 1 1/2 CHILDREN AND A SMALL JUMBUCK
CAN BE EASILY CONSTRUCTED USING BLACK REFUSE SACKS, SHAVING FOAM AND TUNAFISH.
HERE'S THAT NAUGHTY ATOM BOMB, WEAR AN EXTRA PAIR OF COMBS
AND THEY VACATE YOUR HOUSES, LOOK OUT!
HERE MATE, TAKE MY TIP, BETTER WEAR BICYCLE CLIPS WITH YOUR WARM BROWN TROUSERS.
AY! LOOK OUT!
HERE'S A NAUGHTY NUCLEAR THING, GIVE THE FIRE BRIGADE A RING,
WE'LL NEED LOTS OF HOSES, LOOK OUT!
TURN YOUR RADIO UP LOUD, THERE 'S AN IODINE CLOUD GETTING UP OUR NOSES.
NOW, HERE'S A MESSAGE:
IF YOU MUST LEAVE YOUR SHELTER, DO NOT BREATHE IN,
HOWEVER, IT IS PERFECTLY SAFE TO EXHALE ONLY.
AND NOW BACK TO ROBERT ROBERTSON WITH "START THE WEEK".
AH, LOOK OUT!
THERE'S A NAUGHTY ATOM BOMB, WEAR AN EXTRA PAIR OF COMBS
AND VACATE YOUR HOUSES, LOOK OUT! (oh, sorry!)
TAKE MY TIP, BETTER WEAR BICYCLE CLIPS WITH YOUR WORN BROWN TROUSERS. (look up!)
OH, OH, OH, TOO LATE!
HELLO, HELLO, MAYDAY...........................HELLO!
THIS IS.............................CALLING FLYING DOCTOR.
THERE'S BEEN THE MOST AWFUL GREAT BIG BANG, NOT VERY ENJOYABLE
AND WE RAN OUT OF GASOLINE FOUR TIMES.
ME TUCKERBAG'S GONE UP IN SMOKE!
I SAID, MAYDAY!
ONE THING FOR SURE,
WE'RE THE FIRST COUNTRY TO GET A COYOTE INTO ORBIT!