One two three
BILLY the Mountain BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL
A tree A tree BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree Growing off of his shoulder
BILLY was a mountain BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree Growing off of his shoulder
ETHELL was a tree growing off of his shoulder
hey hey hey Billy had two big
Caves for eyes With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust And hack up a boulde
HACK Hack up a boulder HACK HAC
Hack up a boulder HACK HACK HACK Up a boulder
Now one day now I believe it was on a Tuesday
a man in a checkered double knit suit drove up
in a large El Dorado Cadillac
leased from BOB SPREEN
Where the freeways meet in Downey
And he laid a HUGE BULGING ENVELOPE right at
the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN that was right
where his foot was supposed to be
Now BILLY THE MOUNTAIN he couldn't believe it
All those postcards he'd posed for for
ALL OF THOSE YEARS and finally now AT LAST
his Royalties Royalties Royalties Royalties
Royalty check is in honey
Yes BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH Yes and his
eyeball caves they widened in amazement and his jaw
which was a cliff well it dropped thirty feet
A bunch of dust puffed out
Rocks and boulders hacked up hack hack
crushing The LINCOLN I gave him the money
He acted real funny He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car Oh do you Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY
I don't wanna stand here All night in this bar
Dear Lord I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar No shit
I don't wanna stand here All night in this bar
By two o'clock, when the bars are already
closed down BILLY had broken THE BIG NEWS
to ETHELL And with dust and boulders everywhere
BILLY choked with excitement announced
ETHELL we're going on a VACATION
Yes and they WERE going on a vacation Oh and
ETHELL ETHELL ETHELL like every little woman
she of course was very excited
She creaked a little bit and some old birds
flew off of her BILLY told ETHELL they were
going to Yes They were going to NEW YORK
ETHELL we're going to New York
But first they were gonna stop in LAS VEGAS
It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges Pull a few handles
And drink a few beers Oh ETHELL
ETHELL my darling you know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a Vacation this year
Oh NEET O Glad we could have a
Vacation this year
They left that night crunchin' across
the Mojave Desert their voices echoing
through the canyons of your minds POO AAH
ETHELL wanna get a cuppa cawfee
Howard Johnson's Howard Johnson's
Howard Johnson's Howard Johnson's
Ahhh there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS
Wanna eat some CLAMS
The first noteworhty piece of real estat
they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE
And TO THIS VERY DAY Wing Nuts and Data
Reduction Clerks alike speak in reverent
whispers about that fateful night when
TEST STAND 1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF
We have ignition got LUNCHED I said LUNCHED
Lunched By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN IN and his SMALL
WOODEN WIFE Word just in to the KTTV News Service
undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE
to drug abuse and pay offs as part of a
San Joaquin Valley SMUT RING However
we can assure parents in the Southern
California area that a recent
NARCOTICS CRACK DOWN in Torrance Hawthorne
Lomita Westchester Playa Del Rey Santa Monica
Tujunga Sunland San Fernando Pacoima Sylmar
Newhall Canoga Park Palmdale Glendale Irwindale
Rolling Hills Granada Hills Shadow Hills
Cheviot Hills will provide the SECRET EVIDENCE
the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a
CRIMINAL INDICTMENT and pave the way for
STIFFER LEGISLATION increased FEDERAL AID
and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of Bartenders
and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE
WITHIN THE WEEK Jerry Lewis had hosted a
Telethon Wah wah wah nice lady to raise funds
for the injured injured and homeless homeless
in Glendale as BILLY had just levelled it and
a few miles right outside of town BILLY caused
a Oh Mein Papa in the Earth's crust right over
the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS right near the
Jack In The Box on Glenoaks where they keep
the POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS
and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS just as a FREAK TORNADO
cruised through
Yes it was about three o'clock in the afternoon
when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on
his porch Toto just playing Come on Toto and
having a nice time with his little accordion
Toto and this weird wind came up Toto direct
from Glendale Toto Toto blowing these terrible
germs in his direction Come here Toto and all
of this caused Toto by a huge mountain Aunty
Em Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
sucking up two thirds of it SUCK SUCK SUCK for
UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of WATTS
Now unless I misunderstood it was right outside
of Columbus Ohio when BILLY received his
NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL
Now lemme tell ya ETHELL said now ETHELL ETHELL
said she wasn't gonna let him go
I'm not gonna let you go BILLY
THAT'S RIGHT We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS
from an INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER
that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST
and it is This Reporter's Opinion that
she also practices COVEN WITCH-CRAFT
It was about this time that the telephone
rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging
to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop
all of this senseless destruction and save
AMERICA HERSELF And I'm sorry to disappoint
some of you it was not Chief Reddin This one
MAN was STUDEBAKER HOCH fantastic new SUPER HERO
of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP
Oh Now some folks say he looked like
he was like he was like ZUBIN MEHTA Zubin Mehta