My band of soaks  
my den of dissolute's
My dirty jokes my always  
pissed as newts
My sons of whores
spend there lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And their crown out
on the floor
Welcome Monsieur  
sit yourself down
And meet the best  
innkeeper in town
As for the rest  
all of 'em crooks
Rooking their guests  
and crooking the books
Seldom do you see  
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be
Master of the house  
doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake  
and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale  
makes a little stir
Customers appreciate  
a bon viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price
Master of the house  
keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em  
of a sou or two
Watering the wine  
making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick knacks  
when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus Won't I bleed 'em in the end
Master of the house  
quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby  
to pass him by
Servant to the poor  
butler to the great
Comforter philosopher  
and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus Won't I skin
you to the bone
Food beyond compare  
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and  
pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages  
with this and that
Residents are more  
than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras  
on the side
Charge 'em for the lice extra  
for the mice
Two percent for looking  
in the mirror twice
Here a little slice  
there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping  
with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases  
all them bits and pieces  
Jesus It's amazing how it grows
I used to dream that
I would meet a prince
But God Almighty  
have you seen  
what's happened since
Master of the house  
Isn't worth me spit
Comforter philosopher  
and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain  
regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover  
but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature  
landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted  
living with this bastard  
in the house
Master of the house
Master and a half
Comforter philosopher
Ah don't make me laugh
Servant to the poor  
butler to the great
Hypocrite and
toady and inebriate
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse
Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse
Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse