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Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear `Bob Rivers`

"Lacey things, the wife is missing. Didn't ask, for her permission I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose. Walking around in women's underwear. In the store, there's a teddy. With little straps,...

Manger 6 `Bob Rivers`

Hi, this is Tom Bodett for Manger 6. We know you have been traveling a lot this holiday season and you've probably been told there is no room at the Inn. Well, that's just not the case here at Manger ...

O Little Town Of Bethlehem `Bob Rivers`

"Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by Yet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting light The hopes and fears of all the ...

A Letter To Santa `Bob Rivers`

Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Normally,...

There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis `Bob Rivers`

There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot l...

Buttcracker Suite `Bob Rivers`

“Thong March” Thong! What a delightful gift idea Thong! Magical shorts that disappear Buy your loved one this Noël The kind of gift he can't resell Because it kind of smells If someone else has tried ...

Minimum Wage `Bob Rivers`

-Welcome to BurgerDoodle, can I have your order please? -Oh yes. I'd like a Spiffy Burger with low fat cheese and an order of seasoned curly fries but only if they're cooked in virgin peanut oil. -Umm...

Free As A Turd `Bob Rivers`

Please, Don't put out this turd. It's a piece of crap to me Can hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do? We made Michael Jackson one rich mother. John wouldn't like thi...

Read It In The Tabloids `Bob Rivers`

I bet you're wondering how I knew That Prince Charles and Lady Di were through. Was waiting in line at the grocery store. Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must sa...

Getting Fatter All The Time `Bob Rivers`

I'm getting fatter all the time. I used to be size 32 and I never gave. My jeans used to fit, I looked cool. Now I'm not the same. Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. And lately I can't see...

I'm A Weight Watcher `Bob Rivers`

I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a Weight Watcher, Watchin' food go by. My, my, my. I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a plate watcher. Here comes a cream pie Mmmm, mmm, mmm. I was just a boy When I tried to eat my t...

OJ's Trial Thing `Bob Rivers`

O.J., O.J. O.J., I think you did it. But I wanna know for sure. You expect people to believe that there are people actually playing golf at ten o' clock at night? Ya wanna know what I think? I think y...

Bowel Moves `Bob Rivers`

I was a little too stuffed, had to lose a few pounds, Pants too tight, seams bustin' out. Just had a big burrito with beans and rice, Salsa on top, with some extra spice, Lots of extra spice. Out ther...

Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire `Bob Rivers`

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Hot sauce dripping from their toes (Oh! That tickles!) Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir They poked hot skewers through their nose (Ow! Wrong end, ya co...

Decorations `Bob Rivers`

I love the colored lights every year And the way the neighbors stop their cars and stare I strap a Santa Claus on my roof Plastic candy canes and reindeer everywhere I'm stringin' up decorations It's ...

Carol Of The Bartenders `Bob Rivers`

Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't po...

Christmas Party Song `Bob Rivers`

It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured be...

Homeless On the Holidays `Bob Rivers`

Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidays Cause no matter how filthy or uncombed If you’re down on your luck you can really graze For the holidays we throw those bums a bone I met a man who dra...

He's So Jolly `Bob Rivers`

He's so jolly Santa's so jolly Christmas night he's in his sled where he belongs You're looking great, Santa Lost some weight, Santa Red cheeks glowing, ho-ho-ho'ing, you keep growing strong I feel th...

The Chimney Song `Bob Rivers`

There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, But it's been there all night long. Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night But he never came and it don't seem right. Th...

We Wish You Weren't Living With Us `Bob Rivers`

"We wish you weren't living with us We wish you weren't living with us We wish you weren't living with us We're not happy you're here You drive everybody crazy You're hopelessly fat and lazy You're co...

Wreck The Malls `Bob Rivers`

"Wreck the malls this Christmas season Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Blow your cash for no good reason Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Push your charge card to the limit Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Checkbo...

O Come All Ye Grateful Dead-Heads `Bob Rivers`

"Oh come all ye Grateful Deadheads to the concert Oh come Grateful Deadheads And camp in the street Bring rolling papers Don't forget your sleeping bags Oh come get us some floor seats We followed the...

Foreigners `Bob Rivers`

"Foreigners... Infiltrate our nation, Foreigners... Take jobs from Americans. Hey, we want to be Americans, But we're illegal aliens, And we really like it here, Though we don't speak the language cle...

Joy To The World `Bob Rivers`

The Lord has come Let earth receive her King Let every heart prepare Him room And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing And heaven and heaven and nature sing Joy to the world The Lord has ...