I got big balls, big old balls
Big as grapefruits, big as pumpkins
Yes sir, yes sir, and on my really good days
They swell to the size of small dogs
My balls are as big as small dogs

Well, it ain't braggin' if it's true
Yes sir, yes sir, it ain't braggin' if it's true
Muhammad Ali said that
Back when he was a young man
Back when he was cassius clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring

And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

I got a friend whose goal in life
Was to one day go down on Madonna
That's all he wanted, that was all
To one day go down on Madonna

And when my friend was thirty-four
He got his wish in Rome one night
He got to go down on Madonna
In Rome one night in some hotel

And ever since he's been depressed
'Cause life is shit from here on in
And all our friends just shake their heads
And say too soon, too soon, too soon
He went down on Madonna too soon
Too young, too young, too soon, too soon

And it ain't braggin' if it's true
Yes sir, yes sir, it ain't braggin' if it's true
Muhammad Ali said that
Back when he was cassius clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring

And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

If certain girls don't look at y111;u
It means that they like you a lot
If other girls don't look at you
It just means they're ignoring you

How can you know, how can you know
Which is which, who's doin' what
I guess that you can ask 'em
Which one are you, baby?

Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?

And all you need to do that is one big pair of big balls
Balls as big as grapefruits, balls as big as pumpkins
Balls as big as mine but even though my balls are big
Sometimes I wish they were bigger, even bigger

Big as the wheels on a tractor
Big as the golden arches
Big as the golden gate bridge
Big as the state of Kansas
Big as Mars and Jupiter
Big as the swing of Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods